ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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