I think I died a long time ago.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
