I will die if light touches me.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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