i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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