the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
