Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize