I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
