sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
