she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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