if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I skipped work to stalk him.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Randomize
