I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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