Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
