I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
