I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
