I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
