no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
