I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
