his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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