Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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