party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
No subtext here. People are naked.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
