I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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