I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
