I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
