you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
