He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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