I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
