so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
