she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
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