just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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