How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
