Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I can text with my tongue
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
