WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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