people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Randomize
