I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
