I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
