He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
