what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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