I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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