FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
