Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
