so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
