masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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