just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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