I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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