the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
now i know why i became what i already was.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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