I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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