Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
