Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
