I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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