went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
