i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
