I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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