so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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