Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
