oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
