gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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