i jhust puked up my retainher.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
