well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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