I must be too annoying 4 u.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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