I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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