There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
